Genetic Experiment Update

Dear Reader:

This is a piece that is close to two years old, to the best of my knowledge. and is just an insight into my parental genius...

Til next time.

PROJECT LANG: GENETIC PROGENY EXPERIMENT
UPDATE:
Thesis: Silence is Golden.
Report Originator: Lang Unit Male Parent (LUMP) 1.uh-oh (Father/Daddy/Scott)

As most know I, LUMP, recently took several months worth of parental leave. Now, even though I am a male and do possess a certain amount of the stereotypical deficiencies in the “gotta clue” department, I have developed a sixth sense towards my children and there are instances where instinct takes over and alarm bells sound.
Take for example a recent incident within the confines of the Lang Family Dwelling. Lang Unit Female Parent/Dictator (LUFPD) *I have been told to inform you that the opinions expressed with said document are not necessarily the opinion of the DICTATOR herself, and I may pay dearly for such ..........*-to continue, LUFPD was away at work on 280204, a Sunday, and LUMP, moi, was home as the sole target of the Genetic Experiments (BOY/GIRL). A fairly routine laboratory situation in recent months.
To set the stage, The Lion King, wuddya want me to do dress in drag and do the hula....? (Rhetorical I have already paid my debt to society for this and my records have been expunged) was on the television for approximately the 30th time that day. LUMP was checking the email, Genetic Experiment Girl (PHIA) was standing next to the couch ( yes a fantastic developmental achievement, for those of you not required to watch her pull the freshly laundered and folded clothes off said couch and onto the floor). Suddenly PHIA got the game face, a metaphor for her face turning purple as she pushes out a strained carrot surprise into her diaper. So in order to avoid the spreading of the biotoxic hazard LUMP quickly evaluated the situation and felt he was able to continue without outside intervention or a frantic call to the dictator. It was during this time of silence, absolute silence when two of the three inhabitants were accounted for that I realized it is quiet, too quiet.
So there we were PHIA happy and exuberant with a dry new waste catcher round her bottom and the Father Unit with his heart in his throat and an anvil in his upper colon wondering where in the name of Jesus his Genetic Experiment Boy (BUBBA) was. Thus, the mad dash was on. Up the stairs, in a flash, nope not in the bathroom remodelling with toilet paper and shampoo, (good). Not in any of the bedrooms remodelling with the dictators lipsticks or underwear drawer (good) yet not so good. BUBBA was not on the top floor of the dwelling. It is at this time that the shouting begins along with the frantic searching. So LUMP races down two flights of stairs into the basement for BUBBA has a fascination with mixing the felines cat litter with their food, the felines show adequate disgust at this transaction. (there are two feline- like inhabitants, DICTATOR has names for them, LUMP refers to them as orangey one with thigh peeling claws and the whitish brown one with the F%$# Off stare and sociopathic tendencies) But once in the basement there is nothing, except a mess so huge only the Liberals would be able to comprehend it. ( make no mistake this mess is a result of the organizational habits of the Parental Units). A quick thought flashes into my mind...I don’t think he can open the door to the outside world...
So I rush once again up the stairs, that is when an all too familiar scent assaults my nose, my pace slows as the anvil in my stomach drops further....as I reach the top of the stairs in the full grip of the panic consuming me as I know what it is I am going to find. I see one little foot sticking out of the pantry cupboard, it is a BUBBA foot. I pull the door open and there he is covered in brown. It is all over his pants, his shirt, his arms, the door, the shelf, and there is a plop of it on his forehead. And sitting between his legs is the open container of peanut butter...

AFTER ACTION REVIEW

BUBBA was counselled with a scolding, a bath, a peanut butter sandwich and a nap
PHIA was rewarded with a golden opportunity to pull the remainder of the clothes off the couch
FELINES where rewarded with a few stolen licks of peanut butter and a 2 hour stay in the basement for stolen licks of peanut butter.
LUMP was rewarded with an antacid, two rolls of paper towel, two hours refolding clothes, and a cat scratch.
Dictator was rewarded with a bloody nice relaxing day at work and a funny little parenting anecdote from husband.