the mall rant

What the Hell is it about anything to do with Walmart, or malls in general that makes people stupid. I mean down right neanderthalic-four-thousand-year-regressive-stoopid?

I have thought about this a lot, but after today’s excursion to the mall it made me want to put it down in writing. We went to simply check out walmart for some cheap clothes for me to take to A-stan with me, and maybe get a bite of lunch.

Keep in mind Kara and I were not in a real hurry, and we had a cart to contain the kids; therefore we had no stress from our side of the bargain. The mall was not particularly busy but getting from point A to point B was like salmon swimming up stream in Niagara Falls. People would be shuffling along and then just stop dead in the middle of the aisle, to check their purses, to answer their cell phones, or check the condition and quality of the goddamned grout around the ceiling. Then they seem majorly offended if you say “Excuse me.”

We encountered this blocking behaviour in the entry way to several stores, as if it may have been some preternatural force conspiring with the good spirits of the universe from spending too much money or realizing that this years fashion trends are reminiscent of 1987 retro garbage.

Then of course there are the aisleways in the majority of these stores that are about 80% of the width of the shopping carts, and 96% of the strollers available on the market. I shared a few commiserating looks with grumpy fathers and embarrassed mothers who were trying to win a futile battle of manoeuvring their life around another goddamned clearance rack.

What’s funny is I have grown accustomed to the slow migratory shuffle of the teenage clones (with far more expensive cellphones than I could ever care to have, or afford). You can see these mindless drones from a mile away and avoid them quite handily, even with a shopping cart and two rambunctious kiddos!

It seems more to be middle-aged folks and families, or female shopping teams that possess this infuriating brain dead tendency. There was a mother who stopped her full cart directly in front the walmart checkouts and blocked literally seven different paying customers from entering a spot with three cashiers. And she was completely and absolutely oblivious, but able to determine that Britney Spears friends are worried about her.

I know we are all the main characters in the movies we call our lives, but at some point people have to W-A-K-E-U-P!!! please. Take whatever goddamned time you want to smell the proverbial flowers, but just be aware that as confident as you may be the world does not revolve around you, and never will.